Do you know that the harder thing to do and the right thing to do...
are usually the same thing?
Nothing that has meaning is easy.
Easy doesn't enter into grown-up life.
I'm not comfortable with an 18-degree variance.
- Why even forecast? - It's a technical art...
not a science. People get that.
- Let's narrow it down, Tim. - Dave, it's random.
We do our best.
A day can have that variance.
- Dave, phone call. - Tell him to take a message.
It's Hello America.
Can we shop here?
Sure. Where is that?
- Bendel. - All right.
Dad?
You know what? Let's go for a walk. Take a break.
You don't like it?
No, maybe we'll come back later. We'll just take a break.
- So how's everything going? - Good.
- How's school? - Good.
- Dance school? - Good.
You know, when I was in school...
I guess the hardest thing was how other kids can be a little mean.
Names and stuff.
Do you ever get called names?
Like what?
I don't know, like "dummy" if you miss a question...
or "camel toe."
Yeah. Camel toe.
Do you know why?
Why what?
Why you get called camel toe?
Yeah.
Why, hon?
Because camel toes are tough.
They can walk all over the desert and all the hot rocks.
I'm tough.
That's right. It's because they're tough.
You ready to shop again?
I think they make car tires out of camel toes.
Yeah, I think I heard that.
I just think you're more grown-up than that other stuff.
I don't think I like it.
But that was sort of kid stuff.
I like this dress. It's New York style.
Let me see.
Hey.
- You like it? - I like it. Yeah.
Do you like it?
Yeah, I think I do.
Do you feel comfortable in it? Because, you know, that's the thing.
Yeah, it's comfy.
You look great.
You look all grown-up.
Okay, change. Let's get some more.
Really?
Sure, and then we'll go show Poppop some of this stuff.
Poppop! Poppop!
- Check this out. - That's nice, hon.
I know. I got a lot more, too!
Dave.
- How are you feeling? - I'm all right.
Mike got arrested.
What?
He fucked his drug counselor's car up. They were on their way to a movie.
A movie?
Mike said he was trying to suck him off.
Then Mike chucked a rock through his car's passenger window.
What is this sucking and chucking rocks?
I mean, what is this?
What did the guy say?
He said Mike tried to jack his wallet.
What is this sucking and chucking and jacking and fucking-up, Son?
He's 15 years old!
What is this shit?
- Where is he? - He's at home.
What is this?
Fuck.
Are you ready for the doctors?
Yeah.
Got you! You're dead.
I think just what he said happened, happened.
I think the guy was trying to make a move on him...
and Mike got surprised and scared.
Hon, will you get me a pop from the pop machine?
Can you get your pop later?
I'm trying to send Shelly away so she doesn't have to hear this.
This guy says that Mike tried to steal his wallet...
and that's why they were fighting when the police came.
- How is he? - He's scared. I don't know.
I can come home.
No, stay there and do your Hello America thing.
- You act like... - What?
Like Mike's in trouble...
'cause I'm interviewing at Hello America. Give me a break!
I don't have any money.
Russ is helping anyway.
- That dildo's what? - He's been a big help, okay?
You can stay there.
Fine. I'll stay here with camel toe.
You just take care of stuff there! You take care of it!
Camel toe? What are you talking about?
I had to find out how kids taunt Shelly about that...
and you're letting her get taunted.
You're not paying attention to the way she goes to school!
I take care of everything around here.
Well, I bought her new stuff.
I bought her a bunch of brand new stuff...
- and she told me all kinds of stuff, so... - Don't be such a dick.
You have her for one weekend.
You know what, Noreen? Just...
Fuck! Whatever. Let me talk to Mike.
He's sleeping, and don't talk to me like that.
More dildo, more fucking...
Listen, I have to go, Noreen. I'll talk to you soon.
Whatever.
I thought you were trying to improve matters with Noreen...
if not reconcile.
I am. What did Frost say?
He wants to speak to me in about 10 minutes.
It was cold in there.
Would you get me a coffee, Dave? So I can warm up.
Yeah, Dad.
Dildo. Jacking...
Hi.
Hi. $0.65.
Fuck.
- Hey. - Hi.
Poppop went in?
- Yeah. - Great. Yeah. He wanted a coffee.
Do you have my wallet?
You only had $1.
You should carry more money than that.
I know.
Well, did he say whether any more therapy could...
No, he didn't have a different opinion than Pritch.
There's too large a plane.
It's a no-go.
- Well, did he say... - He said months.
- Did he say a lot of months? - Well, what's a lot?
I don't know, like 12.
Well, if he meant 12, he probably would've said a year, Son.
I think he meant three or four.
Well, you have a big day tomorrow.
The Hello America show.
Yeah.
... and here comes the grand marshal, Dave Spritzel.
Didn't his name used to be Spritz?
Yeah, it sure did...
but he changed it back to the original Spritzel.
Why the change, Ed?
Well, when you're national, there's no more up.
So he changed it back...
like John "Cougar" Mellencamp. He's realer now and more authentic.
- Who's that with him? - Those are the wife and kids.
Didn't they used to have a real fucked-up relationship?
Not anymore. That's something else that changed.
It seems Hello America with Byrant Gumbel...
gave them all a fresh start...
and an increase in salary to $980,000 outside promotional fees...
which puts Dave well over $1 million a year.
- That got his wife's ear, I bet. - You bet. That buys a lot of face time.
Now everything's great.
- Did he say that? - Yeah, he told me that...
Hello, America.
What are your hobbies?
Writing. Archery.
And you don't have a degree in meteorology?
General communications.
Well, listen. We've seen a lot of your work in Chicago.
Okay.
We think you're great, refreshing.
We love the Spritz Nipper.
Great.
Why don't we run some blue screen, and we'll do a walk-through on the set?
Great.
Here's your station. We'll run some screen.
Give me a second to set it up.
- Hi. - Hi.
I'm waiting for Mark. I'm running some screen.
- Dave. - Bryant.
- Nervous? - No.
- Sure? - Yeah.
You look just a little bit nervous.
It's not nerves.
- Other shit. - Yeah.
...mild in the Northwest.
As this high-pressure system gives way...
we'll see warm temperatures in New Mexico...
I know it's not neurosurgery...
but green screen is the one part of my job that's not really easy.
...35 in New York with colder temperatures west to Michigan...
You need a sense of where put-ons will come from...
and a pretty strong sense of scale.
...there are travel advisories in New Orleans and Atlanta.
It's pretty heavy weather...
I've gotten real good at it.
I thought everything went over pretty well.
So we'll let you know in a couple of days.
Okay.
This is my father, Robert Spritzel, and my daughter.
We're a little late for our plane...
so we thought we'd leave from here.
- Yeah, I'm sorry. We kept you late. - That's cool.
- So you've got the numbers? - Yes.
There's a built-in with Purina I forgot. $42,000.
Okay.
- What's a built-in? - It's a compulsory endorsement...
if I'm offered the job.
- Dog food? - Yeah. Pet products.
Dave doesn't own a pet.
Well, I have Jackson.
Jackson lives with your wife and kids.
We'll let you know.
- Russ is here. - Okay.
- Where's Mike? - Inside.
- Dave. - Hi, Russ.
He's upstairs. He's still pretty upset about it.
- Did he talk about it? - Yeah.
- To you? - He's told us what happened.
He was with his counselor, Don Boden. I guess he...
I don't really know why what happened next happened.
He was talking about my son, and I was taking my gloves off.
Apparently, they were going to a movie...
- What the fuck? - Why are you here?
- What are you doing? - Why are you here?
- I'm helping Noreen! - Why are you helping?
- Dave. - Son. Jesus.
Here's something that...
if you want your father to think you're not a silly fuck...
don't slap a guy across the face with a glove.
Because if you do that, that's what he will think...
unless you're a nobleman or something in the 19th century...
which I'm not.
- You can get inside okay, Dad? - Yeah.
"When my back's against the wall, I order a chink call-girl...
"or I box some rounds with Richie...
"the Puerto Rican southpaw at Clancey's gym.
"'But tonight,' Roy thought...
"'once I smuggle this fucking plutonium out...
"'I'm just going to drink some Scotch and hit the sack.'
"Roy had picked up Oliver at his science lab...
"and there he snagged the vials.
"He stashed them in his computer case..."
My mom discovered an idea known as a living funeral...
in a book she read to help her with Robert dying.
It's where someone's family and friends gather...
like they might at the person's funeral...
only when the person's alive, so they can see everybody.
- Hey, what's up? - What's up?
Hey, what's the Nipper?
- What's that? - What's the Nipper this week?
I don't know.
You don't know yet?
Come on, man.
What? I just asked you about the Nipper.
Monday, okay? That's the... Okay?
- What's your problem? - It's February, man. It's cold.
Fuck!
- Fuck you, then. - Fuck you!
Do you know what variance is?
You think you could pick out a day...
a week ahead and give a realistic... You know?
- Did you know that? - Weatherman!
God! Fuck!
I have kids!
I have to go see my kids!
You put fucking pie shit on my coat!
I have to see my kids with pie on me, man?
Go see your kids with shit on you!
Hey, calm down, man!
I have to see my family!
I have to see...
- Hello? - Hello? Dave?
- What? - It's Mark Dersen from Hello America.
Hi, Dave.
- Take care. - Okay.
Noreen.
- Hi. - Hi.
Shelly looks nice.
We bought that in New York.
Yeah, I know. That's why I said it.
It's very nice.
Noreen, I got offered the show. Hello America with Bryant Gumbel.
Well, that's great.
- Are you gonna take it? - I'm thinking about it.
It's a pretty substantial salary, and you know the venue. It's big.
It's a pretty big salary jump, I guess.
$1.2 million all in, Noreen.
Can we think about that?
What?
What that kind of change could be like for everybody.
Mike, Shelly, you know?
If we thought about trying again.
Dave, I'm marrying Russ.
Accuracy equals focusing on a point.
Gravity pulls an inch a yard.
You point up.
But you have to factor in wind...
which is the most difficult part.
Noreen.
I had to go in anyway.
It was time for my speech.
And that's what I know about Robert Spritzel.
Forbearance, charity, wisdom.
There are too few like him.
And now Robert's son, David.
Good afternoon.
Many of you came from long distances...
and I know I speak for my mom and Noreen...
and my family, Mike and Shelly, when I say thank you.
When I think of my dad, I think of Bob Seger's Like a Rock.
And then the power went out.
Then, when the lights came back on in 40 minutes...
everyone had pretty much forgotten that I was talking...
and we never finished that part of the thing.
So my speech was, "When I think of my dad...
"I think of Bob Seger's Like a Rock."
That's all I said at my dad's living funeral...
something about Bob Seger.
You've reached 272-7638. Please leave a message.
Dave, it's Mark Dersen from Hello America.
Can you give me a call back? I called a couple of times Friday...
and I'm wondering why you haven't called me back.
If I need to move down on my list, look, I need to know. Okay?
It's not "Hello, you know, whatever, Orlando."
Look. I'm still jacked about you, Dave.
I just need to hear from you. Give me a call.
Your phone's ringing.
I know.
Why aren't you getting it?
It's the Bryant Gumbel thing.
So why aren't you getting it?
Did you bring that stuff?
It's by the door.
You should get it.
Fuck.
It was a McDonald's hot apple pie.
They're not kidding.
It was hot.
The other thing that gets to people...
that leads to pies, I guess...
are these catch phrases we're required to use...
to single the program out.
It gets under people's skin.
Spritz Nipper.
But the whole thing about all of it...
all the getting hit with stuff...
the whole thing is, who gets hit with a fucking pie, anyway?
Did anyone ever throw a pie at Thomas Jefferson?
Or Buzz Aldrin? I doubt it.
But this is like the ninth time I got...
Clowns get hit with pies.
- Fuck! - I'm Mike's father! Here's your shit!
I saw you buy this at the mall on North Avenue!
And I'm telling the cops, too!
So you can cut your crap about Mike jacking your wallet!
He's just a kid. See!
He looks grown, but he's just a kid!
You fucking asshole.
I mean, I'll bet no one ever threw a pie at, like...
Harriet Tubman, the founder of the Underground Railroad.
I'll bet you a million fucking dollars.
The first time I was struck with something...
a chicken breast from Kenny Rogers...
I was standing next to a garbage pail.
I thought it might've been an accident, that they were throwing it out.
The second time, it hit me square on the chin...
a soft taco.
Then, pop.
A falafel.
McNuggets.
Always fast food.
Fast food.
Shit people would rather throw out than finish.
It's easy. It tastes all right...
but it doesn't really provide you any nourishment.
I'm fast food.
Hey.
- Did you see him? - Yeah.
Am I gonna get in trouble? I didn't do anything.
You're not in trouble. I took care of it.
I got on him.
I let him know we're not messing around.
I whaled on him.
What?
I caught him one clean one for sure, on the forehead...
and then I fucking whaled on him.
Seriously?
He's not going to say you stole anything, and you're not in trouble.
- What are you eating? - Corn dog.
You're a kid, Mike. Fuck.
- I'm not a kid. - You are a kid.
Don't put yourself in grown-up situations again until you're a grown-up.
- Okay. - Okay?
Yeah.
- Do you want me to get you a corn dog? - What? No.
What do you want?
Nothing.
Weatherman!
- Hey. - Hi.
- Are you all right? - Yeah.
I just wanted you to...
What?
I was eighteen
Didn't have a care
Working for peanuts
Not a dime to spare
But I was lean and solid everywhere
Like a rock
I don't really get it.
Am I following it?
It was just a lead up to other things I wanted to say.
Here's the part.
And I held firm
To what I felt was right
Like a rock
I wanted to talk about that part...
about you.
That's like you.
I was strong as I could be
Like a rock
I got the job.
New York?
That's terrific. That's a remarkable income.
That's more money than I ever made, that salary.
Yeah.
That's quite an American accomplishment.
Thanks.
Are you okay?
I can't knuckle down.
Noreen's marrying Russ.
There's nothing to knuckle down on, so...
I can't fucking knuckle down.
Your hand.
I just saw Mike's counselor.
Mike mentioned that you were gonna fix this business up.
He's in no trouble?
Good job.
Your hand okay?
It's okay.
- You certain? - Don't worry.
You always worry about your kids...
no matter how old.
There's always looking after.
I read your book.
Fuck.
I was going to do some more work on it, then I chucked it.
- You chucked it. - Garbage.
It's just what I do, David.
I've practiced and I've gotten good.
Like you and the weather business.
But I don't predict it.
Nobody does, 'cause it's just wind. It's wind.
It blows all over the place!
What the fuck?
I have to go to work.
David.
This shit life...
we must chuck some things.
We must chuck them...
in this shit life.
There's always looking after.
You have time.
Thanks.
Pretty soon after Robert's living funeral, we had his real one.
I'm sorry for your loss.
That's a lovely thing to say to me.
Where'd you hear that?
His friends.
I'm glad one of you brought an umbrella.
I had a feeling it was going to rain today.
You're not going to take my job, are you?
No. I'm going to be a cameraman for Monday Night Football.
Is that okay?
Yeah. That's good.
There are a great many of Robert's friends here, even in winter.
I think it's because Robert was unusual.
I think that's what brought so many of you out.
A loving husband and father for 40 years.
And a good friend to some of you for longer.
I'm sure that's why we appreciated and loved Robert.
He was excellent.
Selfless.
Resolute.
I remember once...
imagining what my life would be like, what I'd be like.
I pictured having all these qualities.
Strong, positive qualities...
that people could pick up on from across a room.
But as time passed...
few ever became any qualities I actually had.
And all the possibilities I faced, and the sorts of people I could be...
all of them got reduced every year to fewer and fewer...
until finally they got reduced to one...
to who I am.
And that's who I am...
the weatherman.
But first Dave Spritz has the check of our national weather. Dave.
Well, thanks, Bryant. Well, it feels like spring if you're in the Northeast.
Is it gonna last? Let's take a look.
We've got a warm weather system to thank for these high temperatures...
Mike, you ready for school?
Russ?
Let's go, guys.
Come on.
You're gonna get it!
- Bye, Shelly. - Bye, Mom.
That's your national weather. I'll be back with your local focus...
at the bottom of the hour.
- Hey, are you Dave Spritz? - Yeah.
- Can I get your autograph? - Sure.
So is it going to rain today?
Who knows?
Hey, Hello America.
I've been doing the show for a few months.
People don't throw things at me anymore...
maybe because I carry a bow around.
I don't know.
I go back to Chicago weekends...
keep it steady with Mike and Shelly...
come back, do the weather. So... Forecast?
Come on.
Another man is with my family.
Things didn't work out the way I predicted.
Accepting that's not easy...
but easy doesn't enter into grown-up life.
I'll take this American accomplishment.
That's where I live...
behind Fire Brigade 47. Okay.
But in front of SpongeBob.
Hello, America.
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